Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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