I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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