I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
