I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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