i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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