Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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