Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
