I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
