Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
