then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
