Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
