you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
