eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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