two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
