And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
