just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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