Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
