his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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