So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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