even my farts smell like vagina
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
