I puked a lego.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You pole danced in your parka.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
