Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
