the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Randomize
