How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
