I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is Oprah even human
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
