I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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