On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
