She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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