just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
