i would punch a child for taco bell
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
