Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
