I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
