Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
