like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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