You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
