When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
