so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I AM VODKA MAN
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
