I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
