My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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