is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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