with your own penis?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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