There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
