Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
it hurts more in the daytime
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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