i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
