once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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