Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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