can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
