I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
