I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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