Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
