I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Pants are for mortals
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
