I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
