someone threw a dead crab at me
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
