I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
