explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
