Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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