he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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