I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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