I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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