I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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