It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
