This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
