I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
