it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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